7 Mindblowing LaCroix Hacks
My local Whole Foods displays it as a shrine--a literal pyramid of muted pastel 12-packs, magnetic to innocent bystanders and admitted sparkling water addicts alike. I’m no exception. The empty 12-ounce cans decorating my apartment prove I’m just as devoted a LaCroix disciple as any other twenty-something who probably can’t afford novelty drinks to begin with.
Like any good millennial would, I make it my mission to muster as much depth and meaning from my everyday life as possible, even when it comes to my unwise novelty beverage habit. As I’ve taken time to examine my growing relationship with my canned companion, I’ve realized that to me, LaCroix is more than a drink, more than a product. In fact, that’s the least of it. LaCroix is a friend, a lifestyle, a leap of faith. A journey toward the best version of myself.
Curious how I use LaCroix in my everyday life to thrive physically, emotionally, and relationally? Here are a few of my favorite alternative uses for LaCroix to get you started on a personal wellness journey of your own. *Keep in mind, I am not a doctor, and the FDA has not approved these hacks.
White noise machine
There is truly no louder noise than a freshly-opened can of LaCroix. The other night in my postpartum thirst I beckoned my sleeping husband to bring me one of the thirty-six or more cans in my fridge. Maybe it’s my ultra-sensitive new-mom ears, but I literally had to move my drink to the bathroom because its carbonation was louder than the sounds of downtown Minneapolis immediately outside my window. Why spend $19.99 on a fancy white noise machine with a heartbeat feature when you can just place a carbonated beverage within earshot? You’ll not only save on your utility bill, but you’ll probably also beat out an overachieving fifth-grader in a local STEM competition.
Poor man’s Lysol
But actually rich man’s poor man’s Lysol, because I’m pretty sure LaCroix is double the price of actual Lysol (unless you’re on that Target 3 for $9 8-pack grind). Have you ever wondered why it’s called sparkling water? Rumor has it that much like its beloved MLM cousin, Norwex, LaCroix contains real 24-carat diamond particles that kill 99.9% of bacteria on contact. Bonus: the natural citrus essence of grapefruit, lime, and lemon flavors contains 5000% of your daily value of Vitamin C. Healthy gut, healthy you, am I right?
Makeshift car battery
Dead car batteries are the worst, especially when none of your so-called friends are available to bail you out. Next time no one’s around to jump you, swap out your lifeless battery with a couple cans of magic. According to a local mom’s Facebook anecdote, an in-tact 12-pack will get you almost anywhere you want to go while significantly reducing your carbon footprint. Just make sure you don’t forget to snag a can for the drive!
Frat bro fun
You haven’t reached peak millennial if you haven’t iced a bro. But if you haven’t “sparkled” one, I regret to inform you that you haven’t reached peak human. This is how the game works: Grab a LaCroix of your choice, hide it somewhere hilarious (I recommend a mailbox or glove compartment) and when that unbeknownst bro touches it, watch him take a dang knee and guzzle the whole thing down. I promise you, there’s nearly nothing more entertaining than witnessing the burn of a lukewarm, non-alcoholic carbonated beverage go down the hatch of a frat boy in a pink polo.
Litmus test for friends
In this political climate, it’s crucial to know who your true peeps are, lest you fall prey to a frenemy. But how, you ask, can we effectively sift out the haters from the motivators? I suggest performing an at-home test of integrity based on the following precept: if you aren’t down with LaCroix, you aren’t my true homie. It’s simple, really. Next time you have a “friend” over, offer him or her the choice of a glass of still water or a can of embodied goodness, beauty, and truth in the form of LaCroix. If your “friend” opts in, carry on as usual. If he or she chooses the inferior drink, or no drink at all, say goodbye. Because when Pete Wentz Fall Out Boy once so wisely sang, “champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends,” I think he meant LaCroix.
Choose-your-own-adventure natural wellness solution
Cold season may be winding down, but #SelfCare never sleeps. When your regular wellness routine gets blasé, why not spice things up with little sparkling water in your neti pot to really scour those inflamed sinuses? Or if you’re feeling a little extra, toss some Cran-Raspberry in your bidet, enema, kit or at-home diffuser. Forget Thieves. With a few dabs (or quarts) of LC, you’ll feel SPARKLING clean in no time.
This may come as a complete surprise, and some may accuse me of proliferating fake news. But I’m not here to make friends; I’m here to be honest. So here’s the hard truth: LaCroix, if left open long enough, magically transforms into still water. Don’t believe me? Try this experiment. First, open a can of LaCroix. Any flavor will do. ( I prefer Pomme Baya, or in layman’s terms, “apple cranberry”). Take a few swigs, and then as you probably would anyway, leave it on a surface of your choice for 4-6 hours and forget about it. Voila. Like some sort of sorcery, your overpriced sparkling novelty beverage has self-actualized into the same thing you mindlessly retrieve from your kitchen faucet, free of cost.