Microblading: A DIY
Don’t worry, this won’t hurt more than any of the other remnants of patriarchy-enforced body torment you’ve been inflicting on yourself since you were thirteen.
If you’re a beauty addict like me (aren’t we all?!), you’ve probably already been plotting excuses to drain your bank account and try out microblading, the newest phase in “permanent makeup.” We know you likely don’t have any better use of $800 than a beauty treatment that will last a maximum of 24 months and could result in a septic infection that spreads to your brain, but we have heard that there may be people without that kind of money laying around. Just in case that’s you, don’t despair! Below is a quick guide to getting the microblading effect at home so you can score a fat wallet and stop being so poor, it’s embarrassing.
You will need: a tweezer, a kohl eyebrow pencil, a sharply serrated meat thermometer, and ink from the nineteenth century (we recommend splurging on a lead-free one).
Start by staring at yourself long and hard in the mirror. What do you hate? No, not your teeth, those have been rotting since the day you were born and will need complete replacement at some point anyway. No, not that strange mole that’s started sprouting hair these last few months, you should definitely ignore that. Yes, your smile lines, but we can address how brief moments of joy are ruining your face later. You hate those errant hairs that are growing perfectly naturally outside of the streamlined arch of your brows and maybe, if you’re really unlucky, above the bridge of your nose. Tell those naughty hairs goodbye, it’s time to microblade.
1. Get a tweezer and carefully remove the unwieldy little brow hairs from underneath, in between, and to the side of where Gigi Hadid’s eyebrows grow. Once you have the perfect shape, use a kohl eyebrow pencil to gently trace the outline of what your brows should look like, if your apelike tendency to grow hair like an animal on your face would just subside.
2. Now grab a razor. Shave off all of your eyebrows. Haha! Look at that devilishly futuristic version of yourself. This is where humanity is heading, a species of naked mole rats. You are a conqueress.
3. Take a deep breath, gird your strength, and pray to God you don’t pass out before proceeding to step 5.
4. Gently (but not too gently!) use your meat thermometer to draw tiny hairs where your eyebrow hair should be. Carve yourself up like a turkey, wiping the blood off frequently with a baby wipe, your sleeve, or whatever else you have handy. The layers of hairlike lines should create a feathered effect, so go slowly. Like womanhood itself, if the pain of what you are doing is not excruciating yet, you’re probably not done.
5. Let your wound dry. Maybe spray some Bactine in it, maybe don’t. This is about taking care of you.
6. Get your ink ready. Dip the meat thermometer tip in there and use it to spread the pigment generously into the broken skin. Imagine you’re in a prison tattoo parlor and really go nuts.
7. Dab the excess pigment off of your skin while making sure the cuts in your face are filled with ink. Avoid the temptation to use a blowdryer to make it dry faster, trust us on this one. It may take up to three days for the ink to dry successfully. Don’t move.
8. You’re done! Check out the masterful work of art you’ve turned your actual human face into. You will get better sleep knowing you aren’t ugly while you’re sleeping. And you saved $800 to spend on whatever you want! (Definitely clothes, LOL!)
You’ll probably need to go to the hospital within six to ten days to address the pus that is bubbling up underneath the skin of your forehead. Don’t worry, as long as it doesn’t turn deep yellow or green, you’re probably not in any danger. You’ll look great at the hospital (hello, waking up with makeup on!) and maybe meet a hot and naive Dougie Houser type. And remember, microblading at home carries all the same risks as actual professional microblading, so you’ll probably have friends in the adjacent hospital rooms and none will even suspect your beauty secret. Microblading is not yet a preexisting condition under the new American Health Care Act, so you’re all set. Happy bludgeoning!